Newsflash: women don’t dress for men. Sure, society and mass media try to teach us that our bodies are designed for the male gaze, but really – what an exhausting way to live – getting dressed each morning and obsessing over what some second-rate member of the opposite sex might think. I’d rather pass. I know I speak for many of my female peers when I say, I dress for myself. And there’s a plethora of factors that influence the way I present myself on any given day. Sometimes, I dress for fashion, status, or occasion. Other times, I dress for comfort, for what feels good, and for genuine body pride.
Most girls go through a twisted phase in puberty where we hate our bodies thanks to the unrealistic expectations portrayed in magazines and on Instagram. When we finally decide we like our curves, just let us have the damn bikini photo. It’s for us. In my world, how I dress is a sign of strength, power, and my ability to choose in 2020. Women didn’t always have the option of wearing what they wanted and many women around the world still don’t. You want to get inside my head? I dress to feel confident, badass, and sexy because I want to feel ready to take on the world. Oh, and by the way, this rant goes for make up too.
Those of you who know me know my ambition always has me reaching higher and that I have more goals than I can count on two hands. We used to have these “Dress for Success” days back in high school. We would dress up before important events to put everyone in a go-getter, “let’s dominate” mood, and I must admit, the mind trick really worked. I always felt determined and ready to kick ass wearing my best dress pants and button up. That’s because dressing in a way that makes you feel good sets you up for achieving. Lacking confidence simply doesn’t get things done. You have to shape your mind to think positively and personally, I know I’m ready to conquer whatever comes my way when I wear a pair of heels. If you think I put on a pair of black pumps because I want a man to think my legs look nice, think again. I wear heels because I know my legs go on for days and I feel intimidating. Just try me in these.
Image via filminquiry.com from Wolf of Wall Street
The irony, of course, is that more often than I’d like to admit, when I dress a little come-hither for myself, I’m uncomfortable with the attention I end up getting. I don’t actually want it. I just like the clothes and the way they make me feel. That being said, I will concede that sometimes I like to show off a sexy outfit for my boyfriend because I do like his attention, but mostly, it’s all about me being me. It’s the difference between getting ready for a hot date and getting ready for anything else. Usually, it has nothing to do with the opposite sex. I’m not actively seeking attention from men; it’s more of a side effect that comes hand in hand with getting glammed up. Generally speaking, I feel skittish with all eyes on me and just want to be left alone.
However, the fact that so many men believe women dress for them reveals perhaps an unconscious belief that women live to please men, that our primary focus is somehow always on what we can do to attract, seduce, or secure a man. Another problem with men thinking women dress for them is that, far too often, it seems to make them feel entitled to a woman’s body and, likewise, her attention. The mentality, as I’ve witnessed, is often this: if a woman is showing skin, she must want men to comment, touch, and pursue. This kind of thinking is dangerous because not only does it carry an undercurrent of violence and encourage rape culture, but also because it takes agency away from women. It demeans them to inferior creatures whose only thoughts, emotions, and actions are centered on satisfying men. Yet, women do not exist to look pretty and it’s really macho and egotistic to think that women primarily dress for their male counterparts. It makes men the most important thing to women. Sorry, guys, you’re not.
If I want to represent my core identity via crop top or mini skirt, that’s my choice and it has nothing to do with seeking solicitation. Namely, cat-callers can fuck off. But honestly, I often have the same attitude with many more socially acceptable compliments as well – the “You’re really pretty” crap. I mean if it happens organically and you’re respectful, it’s all right I suppose, but when someone goes out of their way to interrupt me, particularly when I know I look busy because I am, it brings me back to that entitlement thing. It makes me feel like because I’m pretty I’m somehow public property.
Men will walk up to me no matter what I’m doing – reading a book, mid run, on the phone, rushing through a store a mile a minute – and stop me. Worse, even when it’s awkward and I’m uncomfortable, they seem to think I should be grateful for the “compliment.” It’s almost like they feel I need their validation and they’ve somehow done me and my day a tremendous favor. What I think, though, is that it’s way more about them than trying to make me feel good. These guys want to feel desirable and confident engaging an attractive woman; they want the chance to admire me close up, and likely, are hoping for an opportunity. But I resent feeling like I owe these people anything – my time, my smile, or even “thank you.” These so called “compliments” are cheap and often obtrusive. Just because it sounds nice doesn’t mean it is. I happen to feel very strongly that comments regarding another person’s physical appearance shouldn’t come from strangers; they are more intimate and I only really want them from my partner, close friends, or family.
Unfortunately, rather than accept I can’t control how men respond to me or my attire, I dated a guy once who disconnected our video call and told me he wouldn’t talk to me until I changed my gym shorts. Long story short, he was convinced my male roommate was looking at my ass, which he probably was. But here’s the thing. My roommate also never said anything at all about the way I looked and was respectful to me. I felt safe and comfortable and never got that heebie-jeebie feeling one gets when someone is staring. So where’s the problem?
From my perspective, it’s two things. Firstly, my boyfriend at the time seemed to think it was my responsibility to control how men reacted to me, but that’s just not realistic. Women are ogled and abused no matter what they wear. Otherwise, Cairo wouldn’t have been donned the “most dangerous megacity” for women in 2011. Secondly, his behavior stemmed from insecurity. He should have known that the only one I was sharing my body with was him and that it didn’t matter who desired me because I wasn’t interested.
Photo credit to dailymail.co.uk
It goes without saying then that my ex-boyfriend’s impulse to control my wardrobe was intensely unattractive and that his macho mindset led to the demise of our relationship soon after the video incident. Honestly, I just want to date a man who understands how lucky he is to be with me, not one who needs to limit me or reduce me to something that fits inside his expectations of womanhood, and especially not one who expects me to censor myself because of toxic masculinity.
Furthermore, I am not an accessory for a man’s ego, nor should how I dress be the undoing of it. The idea that women have to dress conservatively to respect men deeply concerns me. I can understand wanting your significant other to dress appropriately for the situation and in a way that doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but there have to be boundaries as well. The expectation that a woman should cover her body for any man implies both that she is his possession and that he governs her. It implies she is weak minded and weak bodied and needs protection and guidance. It’s almost as if she were an object of great value, a treasure to be coveted and locked away, which is dehumanizing.
Again, I don’t deny it’s sympathetic to consider a partner’s feelings when it comes to attire, but I also recognize that men should have the confidence to know that the way a woman dresses isn’t about attracting another man. I also totally get wanting to maintain a certain degree of privacy regarding more sensual areas of the body; it creates a special kind of intimacy and privilege between just two people. However, telling a woman she can’t wear something because of insecurity isn’t okay. A man should know his partner chose him and dismiss the urge to be possessive. We all get a visit from the green monster sometimes, but at the end of the night, trust is key.
In that same vein, I can’t help but think how ridiculous it would be if the tables were turned. Imagine a woman telling her boyfriend he couldn’t leave the house because his gym shorts emphasized his package. It would be a little outrageous to accuse him of dressing for attention, wouldn’t it? “Oh, you want everyone to see how big you are, don’t you? You want women to stare.” It sounds a little over the top, doesn’t it? I can just see it now – a woman demanding her beau to “Go change.” I bet he’d run for the hills. Because that kind of control, well – it’s toxic. As is the idea that women are all vile seductresses or something.
People can’t help if they’re gifted and that goes for dudes and ladies both. From what I can tell, guys throw on gym shorts because they’re comfortable and convenient, not because they have a covert motive to attract another female. Thus, a man isn’t disrespecting his woman by wearing them, even if his package does look hot. Now, let’s reverse that logic and apply it back to women’s clothes.
Women are taught to be ashamed of their bodies. We’re taught to cover up, that touching ourselves is dirty (masturbation is so often shamed for girls and celebrated for boys), and to conceal our monthly bleeding.
Image via forbes.com
In fact, ever since I was about six or seven I’ve questioned why it’s socially acceptable for men to wander about in public shirtless, but for women, it’s a mortal sin to breastfeed, let alone walk around topless. This inquiry goes so far back I seriously remember having this conversation with my older brother and sister on the swing set.
Truly, I think it has to do with ingrained cultural norms that decree men are supposed to dominate and be proud of their sexuality while women are supposed to be passive, coy, and chaste. It’s not that the male torso is less sexual than the female bosom – let me tell you. My boyfriend can’t keep me away from his nipples. The only difference is women’s bodies are treated differently and aren’t as respected. For my part though, I’m not going to hide my body because less than honorable men fail to control their sexual impulses. I won’t be ashamed of my femininity because I’m somehow inherently sinful as woman who makes men lust. And I certainly won’t be told how to dress by a man whose insecurity blames me for the former. My dress, my style, my wardrobe – it’s all for me. I promise, if a guy benefits with a killer view, nine times out of ten it’s only happenstance.
Oh, and you know the funniest thing about my ex trying to tell me how to dress? He met me at a cenote in Mexico, in a fucking bikini.