The word deflower has three definitions: (1) to deprive a woman of her virginity, (2) to destroy the beauty and innocence of something and (3) to quite literally remove flowers. Now, the origins of the word are somewhat muddy, but based on my dilettante research, it would appear the term stems from a combination of two things: a historical symbolism of flowers representing vaginas (think Frida Kahlo) and the suggestion that the hymen actually looks itself like a flower, with folds and cleaves resembling petals.
The first reference is obvious to anyone who’s ever seen a vagina, with its double layered vulva and the clitoris which totally looks like a stamen. The latter, I googled myself. According to some doctors and the overwhelmingly accurate wealth of knowledge on the internet, the hymen really does look like a flower.
Quite honestly, after perusing a plethora of vagina photos, I can’t say I completely agree, but that’s really not the point here anyways. There is a multitude of ways to break the hymen besides having sex and what I really want to talk about is the connotation of the word deflower anyways, which is negative on three of three counts.
It’s intriguing how when a man loses his virginity, it’s often considered a rite of passage, but when a woman does she is suddenly “deflowered,” as if she is giving up the very thing that makes her beautiful, or even valuable. I really hate the symbolism of it all. I just loathe the idea of young women growing up to feel like once they participate in sex, they somehow depreciate or aren’t as desirable as before.
Luckily for me, when I finally did ditch my V-card, I never felt that way at all. I was well read by then, had realistic expectations for sex, and knew about all the necessary precautions. It upsets me that not all girls get that same experience. Lots of us “do it” with the wrong guy in high school, or whatever the situation, and then rumors spread about us being “easy” and we are viewed as less of a person. God forbid a woman actually enjoys sex and has it when she wants. And what’s worse is it isn’t just men doing all the judging. Women will look down their nose at other women just the same, for merely being sexual beings in tune with their bodies. It’s really a fucking shame.
The word deflower really is cringe-worthy though. The imagery of removing petals as a metaphor for male contact with the vagina is so purely and irrevocably ugly that I grimace every time the word comes into use. How are the flowers being removed exactly? By peeling? Slicing? Cutting? Pulling? Tearing!? Even Donald Trump grabbing a pussy is beginning to sound more appealing. I mean doesn’t a woman have just as much to gain as a man when having sex? Pleasure? Experience? Womanhood? And it is sex that leads to life after all, am I right? So why does the word we choose to represent such a momentous transition into adulthood need to sound so damn abrasive and disgraceful for women?
I guess what I’m really wondering is why there isn’t an equal word to describe the process of men having sex for the first time. I wouldn’t think scoring counts because it can be used beyond losing one’s virginity. I do imagine though, if such a word were to exist it would be something along the lines of (don a real masculine voice here) sword-sheath or phallus-cannon. I can hear the guys joking about it in my head. “Hey man, John got phallus-cannoned last night!” No matter what the phrase, I feel it would have a connotation more like “knighting,” inciting bravery, strength, and manhood. Less indignity would be involved for sure and much more praise. Come to think of it, even fucking a girl on her period earns men a medal of sorts; they call it getting red-winged. So why do guys get all the glory and girls get all the shame? Don’t even get me started on the whole cherry-popping thing; it may be even worse.