The first question people often ask themselves when deliberating sexism against men is: can women even be sexist? The short answer is, of course, yes. Women can be anything that men can be. Quite frankly, the idea that women cannot commit sexism because they’ve traditionally been more victimized is absurd. By definition, sexism is prejudice or discrimination based on sex or behaviors, conditions, or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on gender. I reject the notion that these explanations are in any way insufficient, just the same as I reject the idea that men can’t experience sexism.
In my opinion, everyone is capable of engaging in sexist behaviors – at any time, in any place, and despite any history of inequity. So why do some people say female on male sexism is a commonsense impossibility? It all boils down to two things. Reverse sexism is often denounced because women don’t possess the same institutional power as men and because women face drastically different consequences than their male counterparts when it comes to gender bias. I don’t disagree in either of those respects. However, while I certainly find the philosophy that women aren’t capable of engaging in sexism compelling, I still believe the argument is flawed. Sexism is sexism, regardless of its history, institutional power, or repercussions.
In fact, adulterating so many complex variables in the discussion of sexism really muddies its meaning, leaving opportunity to over-intellectualize. It seems like maintaining the assertion that female suffering has always been worse than men’s (even if, historically, it has) is childish and petulant. The issue here isn’t who started it, who took the most blows, or who suffered longest; it’s resolving a problem that affects everyone as a team. Thus, the battle over who’s got more bruises is moot. In the fight against sexism, I don’t think it’s necessary to negate the male experience. It only further isolates men and women when we should be amalgamating forces.
As a matter of fact, let’s examine how sexism affects the modern man in terms of constitutional and cultural power – for the benefit of all the naysayers out there. Because men definitely experience sexism and it’s definitely at least sometimes at the hands of women. I’d like to analyze three issues pertaining to men – sex appeal, childcare, and stereotyping – as well as how they’re influenced by both ladies and gents. If we’re going to defeat sexism, we need to acknowledge that it’s not only about half of us. Women need to be just as responsible for negating sexist ideals as we expect men to be.
For starters, the objectification of women has long since been a concern in the realm of feminism, but has only recently become one for men. Thanks to movies like The Avengers, Aquaman, and Guardians of the Galaxy, where muscly men parade around on screen hopped up on testosterone, it seems to be universally accepted that men must be lean, muscle-machines capable of saving the world on a whim. Oh, and also, they have to be tall – because height somehow equates to strength and dominance. Do I sound like a Neanderthal yet? Yes, ladies, I’m calling you out. The number of women I’ve heard say they “only date tall guys” is colossal, yet the length of a man’s torso does not delineate whether or not he is worthy of female attention and we should really stop saying that it does. Preference is okay; unwittingly fortifying unjust gender expectations is not.
Photo credit to pinterest.com
Furthermore, besides muscle mass, height, and the physical prowess of a superhero, guys face still other seemingly impossible stereotypes to meet. There’s the need to be rugged (you don’t really need to know how to build a log cabin, but you better look like you do), effortlessly suave hair (which better take no more than five minutes), and penis size (we all know what they say). Of course, when discussing male beauty standards, we can’t forget either the hard, stoic expression of a soldier that must either be worn at all times or be replaced with a savvy, carefree, boyish smile. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I could play the role of witty comedian and emotional fortress simultaneously, and especially not while fighting crime enacted by archetypal villains with supernatural powers. Insert girl shrugging emoji. You know the one.
The real issue at hand though, is how the objectification of men affects men. The consequences of not meeting society’s body expectations aren’t just dire for women; they’re also destructive for men. Men who lack height and muscle are often last pick in the world of dating while men who reveal vulnerable emotions are invalidated and called demeaning names, something which can be extremely detrimental both socially and professionally. What’s worse is the name calling often comes from their male peers. And that’s not all either. Men who are shorter receive less respect than their taller peers and earn less money on average. Talk about a pay gap. With so many expectations and so much at stake, it’s no wonder men are becoming increasingly more insecure about their bodies.
Truthfully though, insecurity is a real issue today for men, especially considering the unforgiving spotlight guys always seem to be in. The modern day world continues to expect men to peacock around, touting exaggerated bravado for the sake of social status or risk looking effeminate. This must be especially difficult for fathers, who need not only demonstrate their unfailing manhood to society, but relay it to small mimes as well. Respectively, how are men perceived as fathers in 2019? Do new dads have access to paternity leave? Are men receiving due custody of their children? The answers probably won’t surprise you.
In regards to how men are perceived as fathers, there’s a pretty ubiquitous stereotype that men aren’t as qualified as women to provide childcare, one which implies they are somehow less responsible, less compassionate, and less competent overall. It’s often thought that men can’t change a diaper, are unwilling to get up to pacify a newborn, or are at a complete loss when a baby cries – or a daughter for that matter. Surely, this notion doesn’t lose any steam when women unwittingly jest about training their partners like dogs or when they make flippant comments about men’s lack of self-control, but I think this lackluster perception of fathers has deeper roots than a few haphazard jokes.
Even in 2019, men tend to be thought of as having fewer gentle qualities than women – qualities like patience, empathy, and tenderness. On the contrary, these traits tend to be associated with femaleness, which results in typecasting women as primary caregivers. Thus, it is the joining of these social constructs together that inevitably leads to infantilized characters like Homer Simpson, Stan Smith, and Peter Griffin. While these fictional constructs seek only innocently to parody societal gender roles, they can also be misinterpreted by the naïve viewer. Stories about absent fathers and deadbeat dads become all too common because we live in a sick world and it’s always such dire unpleasantness that grabs everyone’s attention. However, this misrepresentation of men as useless fathers is detrimental. Not only does it paint a picture that men are generally dysfunctional in the home, but it also implies that it’s normal for educated, well put together women to wait hand and foot on their husbands and take on the burden of child-rearing alone.
Photo credit to Karol Dembowski via DeviantArt
Plausibly, it is the unflattering stereotype that men are less fatherly which shapes paternity leave around the world. In the US, for example, paternity leave is not a guarantee for new fathers. Laws vary by state, offer limited time away from work, extremely limited pay, and are often only available for the elite worker. As per the National Conference of State Legislatures, in 2018, only four states required paid paternity leave for fathers: California, New Jersey, Rhode Island, and New York. More concerning is that even when paternity leave is available, many men are reluctant to capitalize on the opportunity because of stigmas. Attentive fathers are sometimes viewed as less masculine, less dominant, and less ambitious. Moreover, for the majority of men who don’t have access to paternity leave, it is they who typically make more money on average than their wives. This puts them in the position to take responsibility financially, regardless of whether or not they’d rather be at home with the little ones. My head aches imagining how two male partners would circumnavigate leave to have a baby.
Of course, there is also the issue of gender bias in legal matters regarding child custody. Ironically, though some studies do show arbiters of the law often show prejudice towards female caregivers, statistics suggest that more than half of cases involving the custody of children are agreed upon in advance. This means, since women receive primary custody between sixty-eight and eighty-eight percent of the time, that men frequently choose to defer custody to their wives. In fact, according to my research, less than ten percent of custody cases require any intervention from the court at all. This being said, if we drew a pie chart representing male versus female custody, the inequity would be clearly visible. So why do women predominantly overshadow men in this area, especially if the bias of court ordered officials is circumvented? It seems like guys are losing the game because they aren’t even going to bat.
For this, there appear to be at least three underlying reasons. The first is that men are conditioned by society (and perhaps their wives) to believe that women make better caregivers and shouldn’t be separated from their offspring. The second is that men are often already less involved with their children due to preexisting gender roles in marriage which shape women as caregivers and men as providers. The third is that men are fearful of investing time and money in a custody battle which will likely face prejudice in court. No matter what the reason though, it’s clear gender bias influences men’s decisions about custody and may account for much of the disparity we see between the numbers of men and women who claim custody of their children.
Indeed, most of us are affected by the stereotypes of our gender, whether we consciously acknowledge our fallibility or not. This is why, for my third and final point, I’ll be discussing how archetypal male traits influence behavior. Consumable media is everywhere; nowadays, everyone is always watching the game, wielding a badass gun on PS4, or indulging in the latest Netflix binge. As such, elite athletes, video game heroes, and television heartthrobs become the ideal.
Image via arcfertility.com
Men who are violent, aggressive, and impetuous are blatantly aggrandized. Glory comes to those who fight, self-medicate, and bury their pain in obsession rather than to those who deal with their issues responsibly, make prude decisions, and express themselves in healthy relationships.
And I totally get it. One is verifiably more theatrical than the other. However, outside of arenas, fictional worlds, and hypothetical danger, a large discrepancy between fantasy and reality exists. As a society, we tend to exaggerate the ideal and the dramatic, both on screen, and off. Men want to be tough, impassive, and commanding because these qualities are celebrated within the masculine sphere and are often rewarded in social as well as political contexts. Gentler skills though, like conflict resolution, patience, and communication tend to be more closely associated with the feminine. As a result, these qualities are not as universally celebrated or reinforced – not by men in real life or men in media. Instead, phrases like “boys don’t cry,” “don’t be a pussy,” and “man up” become the mantras many men live by. Even women can be heard chittering them.
However, culturally emphasizing more aggressive masculine traits rather than cooperative ones has its detriments. Men, in their attempts to live up to hyperbolic expectations of masculinity, are often on the receiving end of dire consequences. In schools, an alarming number of male students get in trouble for aggressive behavior, ladies dominate universities nationwide, more men commit suicide than women, and prisons house exponentially more males than females. In fact, according to Statista, ninety-three percent of prisoners in federal facilities are men. That’s no laughing matter. Studies suggest boys are socialized to show aggressive tendencies from as early as age six. Boys learn to behave in ways which are lauded by their peers, even if that means stifling some of their own feelings and frustrations. Later down the road, this translates to undiagnosed mental health conditions, weak communication skills, and a reluctance to seek help. I do not believe this would be the case if twice as many male students than females weren’t suspended during the course of their secondary education. I also don’t think we’d see so many boys suspended if we taught them to value non-aggressive traits. This is because the behaviors men exhibit and the consequences they face are a reflection of the stereotypes they are conditioned to imitate and not because men are inherently destructive.
I really do think it’s true that people are a product of their environment. We live in a society which continues to shape our perceptions of gender from birth, making us all a little bit sexist. Sure, everyone has free will and I think most of us at least try to be our best selves, but we have also all learned to harbor some degree of sexism that is integral and subconscious. This goes for men as well as women and if we are going to break the habit, it’s imperative to analyze our own predispositions and regulate them appropriately. As far as defeating sexism goes, semantics are unwarranted. Yes, women can be sexist and yes, men experience sexism. If we don’t examine both sides of the same coin, one side will remain tarnished while the other shines.