Recently, I’ve been experimenting with how to handle inappropriate comments and come-ons from the opposite sex, or really just any interactions that make me uncomfortable in general. It’s funny because ever since I hit puberty at eleven years old, I’ve been experiencing these awkward situations regularly, yet I still don’t know how to expertly manage them at twenty-eight. Dealing with impolite remarks or unwanted come-ons can be tricky so I’ve analyzed a few of my own encounters in the hopes of getting better at advocating for myself and holding dudes accountable for dropping sketchy pickup lines.
I’d also like to be clear from the get-go that although my article today focuses on my experiences with men, I do recognize women are just as culpable for making guys uncomfortable much of the time. I’m optimistic my words will be a lens through which women will see themselves and through which men will realize their own wrongdoing or at least catch a glimpse of what women endure on the daily. I definitely encourage all the gents out there to jump in in the comments and share what creepy, lewd lines women have tried to get away with too.
Anyways, disclaimer aside, here goes. I’m going to share three situations where I was taken aback by off key comments and one experience in which I felt I responded quite aptly.
The first situation went down while I was shopping. I was at Walmart picking up school supplies, staring intently at the printer paper, when an employee approached me from the side, calling “You have a boyfriend?” from a distance of ten feet before continuing on his merry way. His interjection immediately made me uncomfortable. Here I am attempting to buy supplies so I can educate children and suddenly I’m reduced to a male accessory. Sure, that particular inquiry isn’t the worst thing he could have said, but gawking at customers and shouting personal questions while on duty isn’t acceptable. Catcalling is never cute.
If I remember correctly, I just looked away and pretended not to hear him, resuming my urgent business of paper picking, but I kind of regret not sticking up for myself. Why didn’t I shut him down? I should have said, “That’s inappropriate. You’re working and I’m a customer and even if that weren’t the case, that would be entirely the wrong way to approach me.” It would have been a little intense, but it also would have delivered a very clear message and discouraged him from doing the same thing to another young woman later. Would other customers have witnessed my rebuke and made him feel nervous or embarrassed? In these brief moments, I often just want to flee, but I should probably start checking name tags. These guys aren’t shy, so why should I be?
The second incidence I’d like to share happened at the diner. I’ve been waitressing at a local 50’s eatery for a little over two years now and while I was cleaning my section the other day, I heard someone hitting on my manager from across the bar. I could sense her discomfort and was surprised to hear her volunteer me as single to get him off her back. So as I started to wipe down the bar and stock up for the next shift, this same man, clearly not taking the hint that women don’t want to be hit on at work, looked at me with a penetrating gaze, without blinking, and said, “You’re really beautiful.” Now, I’m sure he thought he was being real fly and gentlemanly, but his opinion was, for the second time that day, unwelcome.
Image via La Razon
His remark made me feel anxious because I needed to finish my side work to go home, yet I didn’t want to be under his gaze the whole time. Furthermore, I figured he would perceive any polite conversation as flirtatious and as license to continue to badger me. Unsure of how to remediate my little dilemma, I forced a pursed smile, mumbled a dry “thank you” and brought some dishes to the kitchen. There, I waited for him to finish his beer and leave. I kind of pissed myself off though. Avoidance isn’t fair and makes me feel cowardly. What I should’ve done was say how I honestly felt because now Bar Guy probably thinks his words were agreeable when in reality they made my skin crawl.
Now, I know not all women feel this way about those kinds of remarks, but me personally, I don’t like shallow compliments. They make me feel cheap. I don’t want to be the steak to your hound. And men ought to know that there are a lot of women like me. Not all women like to be called beautiful by random people. I think those comments should be more intimate, reserved for close friends, family, and romantic partners. And it’s never appropriate when a woman is working and required by the parameters of her job to be civil and engage with you. There’s a tasteless power dynamic at play there and it really doesn’t belong in the work place.
The last experience I’d like to share took place outside. It happened while I was walking laps around my apartment complex and chatting on the phone with my dad. It was getting dark and I was on the last stretch of concrete before my building when a young guy pulled up in a car from behind and stopped alongside me. He rolled down his window and said, “Sorry to bother you, but,” and I thought maybe he needed directions, “do you have a boyfriend?” At first I was kind of stunned. That’s why he stopped me? That’s why I was interrupted? What an odd way to approach someone. Seriously, I thought, why do guys keep saying this?
“That’s inappropriate” I retorted “I’m literally talking to my father and you’re hitting on me from a car.” And at that, he rolled up the window and drove away. For a moment, I felt empowered, like I stood up for myself, but I couldn’t help but wonder if I weren’t distracted if I could have done better. Maybe I could have taught the guy something or at least guided him in the direction of self-reflection. I could have admitted, “Hey, I don’t really know how to hit on guys, either” and maybe spelled out why it came off wrong. I could have said something like, “I know it’s hard to start a conversation on the fly, but that approach gave me the heebie-jeebies, which is sad for two reasons. It’s a missed connection and it doesn’t feel good.”
So lastly, here’s the example I promised of me handling a come-on with a little finesse. It happens so rarely I really need to celebrate it. I have this neighbor that’s hit on me three or four times already, including inviting himself up to my apartment when I first moved in, trying to have a conversation with me while I was running, and calling at me from his balcony. Once, he even asked abruptly, “So are we gonna go on a date or what?” to which I declined. So imagine my delight when upon hearing I was moving to Boston, said neighbor informed me he might be out that way for work and asked for my number, catching me like he always seems to do in the twenty feet from my car to my front door.
“I only really give that out to family and close friends,” I said, and suggested he look me up on social media instead. Fortunately, this seemed to do the trick and diffuse the awkward in the situation. I liked the way I responded because I didn’t compromise my own comfort, security, and boundaries, but I was also respectful and kind. Essentially, I tried to be graceful about turning him down. If a guy isn’t aggressive or uncouth, there’s no need to be nasty, but if he’s pushing for a closer connection than desired, a reminder of personal space is necessary. I found that being direct worked pretty well.
Image by Vanity Fair
Now, all things considered, it is my belief that men hit on women for two reasons: to feel powerful, dominant, and self-assured, and because they genuinely think we’re attractive, funny, etc. and want to get to know us better. Ideally, it’s more of the latter, but sadly many guys are misguided in how they attempt to engage with a pretty girl. Some will even get angry and display a sort of “frustrated outrage” when women don’t accept what they perceive to be a compliment, labeling such women as ungrateful, But ladies, you don’t have to feel guilty. Compliments aren’t supposed to be given with expectations or implied demands, i.e. you owe me a “thank you” or you owe me attention. And you have a right to your feelings. You have no obligation to please anyone. You may even remind these guys, “Hey, if you really want to hit it off with the next girl, take my advice” and point them in the right direction.
Anyways, I started a list of some of the responses I’ve come up with for dealing with inappropriate remarks and uninvited come-ons below. Let me know how you deal with them in the comments. What are some of your go to lines when it comes to turning off inappropriate banter and sketchy pickups?
(1) “Stop.” It’s short and simple, but leaves no room for ambiguity.
(2) “That kind of question/remark makes me feel more like an object than a person.”
(3) “I don’t belong to anyone, but I’m not interested.”
(4) “I’m going to report you to the manager/HR/police.”
(5) “That’s the wrong way to approach someone.”
(6) “It makes me uncomfortable when strangers comment on my looks.”
(7) “Those kinds of questions aren’t okay to ask someone you just met.”
(8) “I know it’s probably not your intent, but I’m at work and that comment makes me uncomfortable.”
(9) “Why would you say that?” “How are you hoping I’ll react to that?” “Is this as awkward for you as it is for me?” Questions can sometimes make someone realize how out of place they are.
(10) Silence. I often pretend I don’t hear catcalls because I don’t want to validate them.
(11) “You shouldn’t talk to women that way.”
(12) “Would you want someone to talk to your mother/daughter/sister/niece like that?”
(13) “Cheap compliments don’t impress me.”
(14) “Talking to women like that is very unbecoming.”
(15) “Leave me alone.”
(16) “Thanks for the offer, but the answer is no.”
(17) “I generally like to get to know someone better as a friend before agreeing to a date.”
(18) “I’m really busy. I have to go.”
(19) “I’m sorry. I don’t feel the same way/feel a connection/feel the chemistry.”
(20) “Actually, while I appreciate the offer, I’m not dating right now. I’m taking time for myself and that’s important to me.”