For me one of the most cringe-worthy pet names is “baby.” Its utterance by a loved one actually makes me a little queasy, like it cheapens the whole relationship. Whenever I suddenly become someone’s “baby,” establishing boundaries in pet name territory becomes urgent business. “Oh, sweetheart, calling me ‘honey’ is okay, but ‘baby’ makes me want to run for the hills.” The funny thing is I didn’t always used to feel this way. When I was young, “baby” seemed sweet and intimate, probably because I’d seen it in overly maudlin films or read it in shallow pre-teen books. Yet, once I grew up and after I’d had my fair share of relationships, I grew to recognize the term for what it really is: a juvenile disguise for real intimacy and a cover for misogyny.
According to The New Republic, the Oxford English dictionary pegs the term as first used by a man in a 17th century novel to refer to his lady. There, the coin of phrase would have made sense due to the inept, naïve age women tended to get married. Nonetheless, although the nickname remained gendered for quite some time, it eventually became widely accepted as affectionate banter between both sexes. Suffice to say, in time the word devolved from an intimate expression of heartfelt love and albeit creepy, fatherly tenderness to something cheap and generic. Although “baby” has undoubtedly always had questionable origins, any value it may have once had vanished the moment it began to be used as a filler, deceiver, and cheap catchphrase for flirting. It has essentially become more transparent than air.
In truth, one too many times I have seen couples use the word “baby” relentlessly to cover the cracks of a crumbling relationship or dudes trying to make sweet on their ladies when they fucked up. I also noticed that it’s primarily used by men who are either too boorish to learn a girl’s name or by guys that have a side chick and don’t want to slip up. It’s much easier to call both women “baby” and create the illusion they’re special. I know there’s a few guys who probably use the word because it’s been romanticized by Hollywood, because they really adore their partner, and because they think all women eat that shit up, but even so, it doesn’t make it any less mawkish. And women who use the term are no better, whether its use is falsehearted and wrought to muddle infidelity or to coo at a man who need not be coddled with literal baby talk. There are simply much more genuine ways to communicate with our romantic interests, rather than relying on redundant monikers.
To be honest, I’m not sure which is more disconcerting; the way “baby” is used to deceive boyfriends and girlfriends or the way it infantilizes them. In fact, let’s examine the history of the word “baby” for just a moment. Its origins derive from Middle English and Word Nerd, a book dedicated to delivering fascinating facts about words, suggests it is “probably imitative of a baby’s first attempt at speech.” You know, like babble? It’s kind of an off thing to call your significant other, especially if that someone is supposed to be your partner and your equal. I would even be so bold to say that the man in the aforementioned novel most certainly did not consider his lady to be his equal.
It’s true women used to be considered very fragile and weak. Throughout history women were coddled, often uneducated, denied the ability to work and to vote and as a result, relied on men to take care of them. Thus, back in the 17th century it made a lot more sense for women to be called “baby.” Young, pubescent women were often married off to older men. They were innocent and much less than capable of surviving without the support of a father figure. Nowadays though, living in a society which rightfully demonizes sexualizing underage girls, it sounds quite pedophilic.
Consequently, using “baby as a pet name becomes not only inappropriate, but quite patronizing to both genders. Why would any functioning adult want to be likened to an infant? I’m not sure, but I think maybe it has something to do with never outgrowing the unconscious desire for a caretaker. From that standpoint, I sort of get it, but that kind of Freudian philosophy essentially implies adults are emotionally stunted. Surely, many of us are, and perhaps it is this immaturity that promotes us to endear “baby” as a nickname; it makes us feel safe.
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In my case, I think about the same time I outgrew “baby” as an acceptable term of endearment, I also realized no Prince Charming was going to save me from my depression and anxiety. I stopped letting myself become so enmeshed with my partners and started taking better care of myself.
So maybe that’s the heart of it right there – why the word “baby” makes me want to run. It reminds me of the times I was taken advantage of, the times I was more of a possession than a person, and the times I wasn’t strong enough on my own. Babies are the ultimate possession; they don’t have the wherewithal to survive on their own or the autonomy to do so. But girlfriends do. Boyfriends do. Spouses do. Or at least they should. In that light, “baby” really robs people of the respect they deserve. I, in no way, want to be in possession of my partner or be, myself, a possession of his. I want to be recognized as independently me, as a woman who doesn’t need a companion, and I want to be with a man who understands that finding one is just gravy. Real intimacy allows two worlds to overlap and does not diminish, but augments. It is misogynistic to continue to frame women as incapable dependents, even if modern society has begun to infantilize men much the same way. Simply put, “baby” cannot escape its history of belittling women regardless of how tawdry mainstream pop culture has made it for both genders.
I guess when I get to the root of it, “baby” just feels like the wrong word to express the sentiment I’m looking for when nicknaming a loved one. I crave a word that says “you’re precious and I want to protect and care for you, but I respect and admire you for being your own person.” That’s certainly a lot to ask for in a word, but surely an entire team of adults can be creative enough to come up with something that fits just right? Truthfully, I think pet names are great, just more imaginative ones that don’t make my skin crawl. Or, if redundancy is a must, at least go with something a little more metaphorically fitting. Honey may be an easy fallback, but at least it’s sweet, nourishing, and never spoils.