A conversation about enthusiastic consent is probably really awkward right now if you’re Aziz Ansari and you’ve built your comedy routine around the anecdote that you’re a nice-guy feminist that’s uber-sensitive to women’s issues. Why? On January 13th, 2018 babe.net released an article detailing an anonymous 23 year old woman’s account of a date gone awry with the recent Golden Globes “Best Actor in a Comedy” and author of Modern Romance.
According to said woman (nicknamed Grace), the two met at a 2017 Emmy Awards after-party and exchanged phone numbers. About a week later, they went on a date to a small seafood restaurant which concluded in spending some solo time together in his New York apartment. According to Grace, Aziz hurriedly paid the check, left half a bottle of wine on the table, and rushed her to his apartment two blocks away where he pressured her pretty relentlessly for sex.
Grace describes the evening essentially as escalating too quickly, telling babe that Ansari told her he was going to get a condom within minutes of their first kiss. She claims Ansari asked her “Where do you want me to fuck you,” bent her over in front of a mirror, repeatedly moved her hand towards his penis, and also stuck his fingers down her throat.
Although Grace concedes to kissing and participating in reluctant, brief oral sex, she also asserts she attempted to diffuse the hot-and-out-of-control situation both verbally and via body language. At different points in the evening she pushed him away, went cold, stopped responding physically, and tried to create space, once even dismissing herself for five minutes to go to the bathroom. Grace said things like “Next time,” “Let’s relax,” “Let’s chill,” and my personal favorite “I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you.”
Anyways, if pure hatred doesn’t make you horny, the twisted part is that after Grace’s comments and after two promises on Ansari’s part to just chill and watch TV, he still proceeded to try to get in her pants. By this point though, Grace was in a different mindset and she called a cab to get the fuck out. Grace acknowledges that while initially the gravity of the situation was difficult to grasp due to Aziz’s polite reputation, composing herself in the bathroom made her realize she felt “violated.”
Flash forward to now. There seem to be two very distinct sides to the accusations against Ansari: those who feel Grace is full of shit – and those who don’t. People who fall into the first category suggest that a bitter girl ruined an innocent man’s career over a “bad date.” Many say she is destroying the progress of the #Metoo movement by trivializing “real” assault like rape and others say she just wants fifteen minutes of fame. I’ve even heard bogus claims that Grace merely felt guilty she partook in oral sex and was ashamed.
People who fall into the second category, however, are either outraged by Ansari’s despicable behavior or feel men’s lack of intuition regarding women’s signals and confusion about enthusiastic consent exacerbated an already sensitive issue. I classify myself among the latter.
In fact, I have several problems with the Grace-loathing argument. First, aside from drawing attention to Aziz’s hypocrisy and initiating a dialogue, what does this chick have to gain? She’s anonymous so the fame thing is kind of out, unless you consider fame amongst her small social circle of friends and family motivation enough (I don’t) and she has already provided the media with all the info for which Ansari could have paid her hush money. So if the events Grace describes really were just the wreckage of a “bad date” wouldn’t she just want to forget about it? Not publicly broadcast the awkwardness and create embarrassment for both her and Aziz? Furthermore, why would it be her fault for “ruining” his career? If his career is ruined (I don’t think it is) it would be his fault for his behavior. Aziz acknowledges himself that Grace isn’t lying about what took place. He merely stated he thought their hook up was “completely consensual.”
Photo via Vogue
In fact, I have several problems with the Grace-loathing argument. First, aside from drawing attention to Aziz’s hypocrisy and initiating a dialogue, what does this chick have to gain? She’s anonymous so the fame thing is kind of out, unless you consider fame amongst her small social circle of friends and family motivation enough (I don’t) and she has already provided the media with all the info for which Ansari could have paid her hush money. So if the events Grace describes really were just the wreckage of a “bad date” wouldn’t she just want to forget about it? Not publically broadcast the awkwardness and create embarrassment for both her and Aziz? Furthermore, why would it be her fault for “ruining” his career? If his career is ruined (I don’t think it is) it would be his fault for his behavior. Aziz acknowledges himself that Grace isn’t lying about what took place. He merely stated he thought their hook up was “completely consensual.”
Secondly, how is Grace’s account of what happened hurting the Me Too movement exactly? Those who believe she’s somehow backtracking progress really missed the mark. According to the founder of the Me Too campaign, Tarana Burke, the movement was designed for both sexual harassment and sexual assault so the idea that Grace’s discomfort somehow lessens the seriousness of rape cases is completely asinine. Burke is quoted as having stated that #MeToo is about the trauma women have endured in the face of misconduct and empowering these women and giving them hope, not “trying to categorize the severity of violence against them.” In light of the founder’s own words, it seems like Grace’s experience with Ansari falls right where it should.
Lastly, the idea that Grace would suddenly “shout wolf” after a hook up because she felt guilty or like a whore for participating in sexual activity just screams misogyny (and seems a tad anachronistic too). It seems pretty damnable that in 2018 we are still condemning women for engaging in sex and having the autonomy to do so. A woman proclaiming she felt mistreated during a sexual encounter is not synonymous with being ashamed.
Now, one of the biggest cop-out arguments I have heard is that Grace should have just left. Which puts the responsibility for the encounter entirely on her shoulders. It’s almost as if the people who fault Grace for not instantly jumping ship think social situations are merely black and white and human emotion and nuance aren’t things. But we don’t live in an ideal world and the gray areas of life are often where we all stumble.
Image by Variety
I think Grace was genuinely interested in Aziz and eager to spend time with him. I think she became overwhelmed and was blindsided by his unexpected behavior. I mean, Grace-haters act like they have never been in a situation where things happened too quickly. It’s kind of like when someone says something rude and in the moment you’re just dumbfounded, but later you have like nine perfect responses.
I can personally think of three accounts where I was in the same boat as Grace myself. The first of the three occurrences happened when I was in graduate school. I was on the phone with a male friend of mine and I remember suddenly hearing his breathing pick up and a sort of urgent whirring back and forth. I thought, is he masturbating?
It seemed obvious, yet I couldn’t quite believe it. We weren’t even talking about sex. He had a girlfriend. I was in love with my on and off again boyfriend. It all made me very uncomfortable. Did he think I wanted to listen to this? Did he care? He was using my voice to get off, without my consent. I asked him what he was doing and he averted the question. Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t just hang up. I wanted to – but I didn’t. Not right away. I felt sort of paralyzed and things were just still happening while I stayed stuck. Those moments felt like limbo, where I didn’t know if I was overreacting or imaging things or if my gut and ears were on point.
The second time it happened, a romantic interest of mine pressured me repeatedly for sex while hanging out at my apartment. We had barely entered the kissing stage of the relationship, much like Grace and Ansari, but he seemed to feel the best way to express what we felt was to do everything all at once. I explained multiple times how I felt, why I wasn’t ready, and that it didn’t mean I didn’t want to eventually, but to no avail. He continued to flirt, paw at me, and even whine when I resisted. He tried to romance me with words and kisses into saying yes.
The climax of the evening was when he picked me up, carried me into my bedroom, and threw me playfully on the bed. There he proceeded to kiss me and unhook my bra under my shirt. I was in love with the guy, so while it did feel good, it also felt wrong because I said no. I repeated myself between kisses, but then he pulled up my shirt and began to kiss and suck on my bare breast. Moments later, I was able to slip out from beneath him and again, like Grace, go to the bathroom to compose myself. In the moment I felt like I had done something wrong, like send mixed signals about what I wanted, but the next day when I was sober from all the love hormones, I felt violated.
The last account happened when I was still reeling from a fairly ugly breakup. A male friend of mine had expressed feelings for me and although I knew I had feelings too I wasn’t ready to act on them because my emotions were too raw. At first, he seemed understanding and we held hands on the couch and just kind of leaned against each other, but suddenly he pounced on me and kissed me. He was like a puma; there’s really no other way to describe it. He was on top of me holding me down and pushing his face into mine. I tried shoving him back and saying no, but he forced me down and strangely, I relented.
Actually I remember a similar occurrence when I was maybe seven years old. I was playing at a friend’s house and her big brother (a year older than us) had a crush on me. He kept trying to kiss me the whole time I was there and I kept saying "no."
Photo credit to Vulture
Finally, he pushed me down and planted a big, wet kiss on my lips and then leaned back and smiled, giggling victoriously. The only thing is, as a kid, I pushed that boy’s head into a nearby wall and made him cry. It wasn’t confusing then. I didn’t have feelings for him so I knew how to react: defensively.
I should clarify all three of these instances happened when I was between 23 and 24, with little experience in saying "no" to men. I had always been in long term, committed relationships with boyfriends where things went pretty smoothly and these issues just hadn’t come up. Presently, at 28, with more maturity and practice using my voice I am able to look back and better navigate these situations in my head. Unfortunately, hindsight is 20-20 and the way you play it out in your head later isn’t the reality of back then.
People seem to think it’s natural or easy for women to reject men, but there’s no course for: How to Let Down a Man Easy, or How to Tell Your Boyfriend You Don’t Want to Have Sex without Damaging the Intimacy You’ve Already Established. So rather than just call Aziz Ansari a nefarious predator, which I think is dangerous, I think we ought to look at the culture that shapes men to act this way and the ways in which women are often unprepared to respond.
Hollywood, for example, romanticizes the persistent guy – way beyond after a woman says no. And in this way she becomes a conquest. So often the guy keeps pressuring her and even stalking her and eventually she gives in and it's magical, like she secretly wanted it the whole time. But that isn't real life and I don't think many men realize that their "persistence" really translates to coercion. Which is what I think happened with Grace.
Even those of us who are strong advocates can find ourselves in tricky situations and being an advocate for yourself is a learned, practiced thing anyways. The truth is it shouldn’t be such a challenge to say “no.” Men ought to be satisfied with “no” or any other phrase or body language that implies genuine discomfort. Persistence should not be glorified or romanticized if it means sacrificing women’s ability to say “no” without being harassed.
So before I sign off, there’s one aspect of the babe.net story I have yet to address, and one which I feel is critically important. Did Aziz Ansari realize his actions were inappropriate? In my opinion – yes. It seems like on the evening of Aziz and Grace’s date he was only worried about himself and his own sexual satisfaction. Even his texts seem lame. Who sends a message the day after their date refused sex several times and abruptly called an Uber and says “It was fun meeting you last night.” It sounds more like he was covering his ass.
Image by The Atlantic
Actually, in light of his recent accusations, I binge-watched Ansari’s critically acclaimed series, Master of None, in order to get a better perspective on why Grace felt his actions on their date were so hypocritical. The irony of the situation he’s in now is that in an episode of season two called “Buena Notte,” “Dev” (Ansari’s character), finds out his television costar has been accused of sexual assault by several women online. When said character, “Chef Jeff,” accuses Dev of believing the rumors Dev replies, “I just don’t see why she would lie.” Quoting babe, “Discussing the storyline, Ansari said he wanted to examine what happens when much-loved characters are revealed to be creeps, making all those around them who don’t speak out complicit.”
Additionally, in a prior episode entitled “Ladies & Gentlemen” Dev suggests his girlfriend is overreacting at dinner when his male director only introduces himself to the men at the table. When Dev’s comments create hostility between him and his girlfriend, both characters talk things out and he agrees he has never been in her shoes and will try to listen and understand better in the future. I think Ansari should have used this same technique with Grace instead of sending that bland, robotic message he probably got his PR reps to approve: “I was surprised and confused.”
Anyways, I think two things can be done to prevent these situations from happening in the future. Women can practice identifying their limits, saying “no,” and choosing to actively abandon situations that make them uneasy and men can take women seriously when they say “no,” show reluctance, and create physical distance as well as continually look for physical and verbal signs of enthusiastic consent. While I truly believe Ansari crossed many boundaries on his date with Grace, I won’t deny the issue of consent is something we can work on from both sides.
People need to stop thinking of consent as a passive thing. Deciding I’m ready to get down because I’m sitting on your couch is not okay. Maybe I just wanted to meet your dog or get more comfortable around you or snuggle or see your really cool snowboard. Who knows? There are a lot of steps between seeing someone's place, for example, and sex. Thus, before sex, steps should be taken to assure both parties are on the same page and communication should be consistent and open.
Honestly, it would be cool if society would stop training men that they need to be the ones to initiate sex and romance too. If they weren't so confused trying to look for a green light maybe they would pick up on women’s signals and emotions instead of just charging ahead. Nothing’s worse than pushing stale yellow.