Whenever I encounter women who are anti-feminist and who tear down their peers for breaking traditional roles it makes me a little sick at heart. I’ve always wondered how ladies especially can be blind to the inequalities we face as a gender, and actively want to preserve the archaic roles in which we were once typecast: one size fits all. But I guess some people fear change and others misinterpret the word entirely – thinking feminism means you must abandon certain “feminine” characteristics or positions. I think it’s also easier to swallow the disparity between the sexes when benevolent sexism disguises unfavorable internalizations about women as polite and gallant gestures. In fact, because it often seems appealing at its surface, benevolent sexism can actually lure women into thinking we have it good (women are treated well and have privileges). Ironically, we’ve seen this ploy numerous times in marketing. If you deliver a bad offer with a goodie bag, people often miss the heaping pile of shit veiled within the fine print.
If you’re not familiar with the terminology, it is generally accepted that there are two types of sexism: hostile sexism (i.e. catcalling & showing outward general disdain and disrespect towards women) and benevolent sexism (treating women as if they are delicate, sweet, and needing guidance and protection, such as over-helping or suggesting women should be put on pedestals). Like objects might I add. And this is why benevolent sexism sucks: it undermines the equal treatment of women by subconsciously implying we are the weaker, more dependent sex. It’s odd to think of what appears to be a compliment or favor as detrimental, but even the idea that women are gentle and pure of heart weakens the fight for equality as it perpetuates the stereotype that women ought to embody a sort of godly saintliness. This is dehumanizing for one, because we all make mistakes and those are some heavy expectations, but it also guarantees men can still rely on the age old pretext “boys will be boys.” And I for one think men are capable of more than that I got into it with a friend recently after I opened a door for him and he refused to walk out. Quick side note: I was taught manners so if I get to a door before someone, I open it. But when I stood aside and gestured for him to go through, he hesitated, stepped back alongside me, and said, “No, ladies first.” Now, I know his heart was probably in the right place, but unfortunately I think I gave him an unexpected surprise when I also refused to walk through. “Nah,” I told him. “I opened the door for you. I’m gonna be offended if you don’t go.” And then we stood in this sort of contentious stand off for a few moments until I assured him I literally wouldn’t go at all unless he just went. Finally, he passed reluctantly through the door..
Image from Baz Luhrman's Romeo & Juliet via Bustle
I sensed a bit of irritation and dare I say a dash of hostility as we meandered down the hallway and walked through another series of doors. I noticed he kept trying to press them open from behind me even as I opened them, like he had to do it. It was an actual compulsion. Honestly, I don’t get why he couldn’t just go with the flow. I was walking ahead of him – it was only natural I’d get the doors.
Anyways, when we got outside, my friend felt what I interpreted as the need to defend his honor, and began to explain that hanging with him I’d see how properly he was raised. This entailed guiding me with an abrupt urgency towards the inside side of the sidewalk while pushing onto the outer edge of the pavement himself. So I, like the little asshole I am, walked in the middle of the parking lot instead. Damned if I’ll be told where to walk!
Frustrated by the confusing twist of me not acquiescing to stay in my assigned gender role, I found my agitated amigo walking quite a ways away from me and joking probably only halfway, “I’m about to pick you up.” The irony, of course, being that he was implying he was literally going to put a woman in her place. I mean I just don’t get it. The whole thing is very patronizing. I’m not a helpless child requiring guidance and protection. I can open a door for myself and you did the polite thing and offered, so what’s lost if we do things al revés?
What’s the logic that the woman has to go first? Do I need a man’s permission to go somewhere? Am I so infantile and helpless I can’t wedge that beast of wood and glass open on my own? Am I less independent than a man? Benevolent sexism is actually very controlling if you look at it up close. When my friend started trying to open all the doors from behind me, it all felt very aggressive, like I was being told I’m not allowed to open doors. And I really do wonder what about me opening the door for him was so unacceptable. Was it a stab at his masculinity or an offense against the power dynamic between men and women? Did he even realize why it was so irking?
I don’t think he was actively doing anything wrong on purpose. I just think sometimes we as people have subconscious ideas about gender ingrained into our very fabric and it’s difficult to accept that something we learned as a child and thought was unquestionably good may actually have a darker shadow. I could tell I caught my friend off guard by breaking the gender norm because he immediately sought to restore some unspoken “balance” between us. Making me walk on the inside of the sidewalk after I refused to walk through the door was almost like restoring equilibrium in a social experiment.
Image credit to The Conversation
Afterwards, there was an awkwardness between us that lasted for a few minutes, an almost hostile vibe where we both weren’t really sure how to act with one another. The best way I can describe it is to compare it to the uneasiness in a power play when you’re pretending there’s no power play.
I know I felt really defensive right then. I wanted to make sure my boundaries were understood and respected. And these types of thorny situations are a common thing for women. If we defy what’s expected of us, we’re often punished with aggression, discomfort, and even alienation.
The thing too is my friend’s concept of who he was depended on me behaving a certain way. Almost like a syllogism he had been trained to follow unwaveringly. Good men open doors for women. I am a good man. Therefore, I must open doors for women. And I get it. But truthfully, a woman denying a kind gesture shouldn’t make him feel like any less of a good man or a polite person. We are separate entities and must be able to exist separately, as ourselves, without feeling threatened by someone else’s choices. Whoever opens the door first is being polite. The other person should just walk the fuck through. I guess my whole point is that if I have to accept the idea that I’m the weaker, more dependent sex for “chivalry,” then it can stay dead. I’m all for being polite, but demanding I obey predisposed gender constructs, however well-intentioned, tips the scale on its polar end and becomes rude and dangerous.
One thing I discovered while researching and writing this article is that, according to Scientific American, the presence of widespread benevolent sexism is actually a predictor of a large gender equality gap within nations. And upon thinking about it, I find that actually makes a lot of sense. If you think women are innately delicate and men are innately aggressive, you are bound to feel and act protective of the ladies in your life. But in that same vein, if you as a man accept that men are aggressive and boys will be boys, you are also more likely to behave unfavorably if a woman does not fit her perfect little mold and cracks the clay.
Furthermore, believing women are gentle and need protection and coddling can often translate subconsciously to believing they are less resilient, less assertive, and less capable than their male counterparts. And if we’re being honest, “chivalry” was often a façade men wore in front of particular women, not the way they acted when they were unseen and unheard by sisters, mothers, and potential wives. Nowadays hopefully people are being polite not so much to be political, but to just be a good person.
So I know I’ve been picking on my friend a little bit, but I don’t mean to be at all malicious. I wasn’t trying to emasculate him by being stubborn about my boundaries and I hope I didn’t. It can be very uncomfortable to second guess who we are as a person and to analyze gender expectations so I give him credit for being a good sport. I brought up the concept of benevolent sexism with him later, after we both had time to reflect and cool down and he was really open and curious to learn more about my perspective and feminism in general. I think that’s pretty cool.